A friend is being treated unfairly
A friend keeps being given the worst shifts at work. They have mentioned it to you but not to anybody else.
What do you do?
Step 1: What Would You Do?
There is often more than one good answer. Pick one and see what happens.
In a meeting
Somebody quieter than you keeps getting talked over. Their point was better than the one being discussed.
What do you do?
Step 2: What That Was
The name for what you just worked out.
Ask what they want before acting. Well-meant intervention that nobody asked for can make somebody’s situation worse, and it is their situation.
With, not instead of
Going with somebody, or being in the room, is usually more useful than speaking for them. It leaves them in charge of their own case.
Pick where it will work
A quiet word, a formal complaint, and a public objection are different tools. Choosing the loudest one is not the same as choosing the most effective one.
Following through
Advocacy that stops after the dramatic bit is not much help. The useful part is usually the second and third conversation.
Step 3: Quick Check
Two questions, then you are done.
Question 1 of 1
Before speaking up for somebody, what is the first thing to do?
Step 4: Your Life Mission
Something to do away from the screen. Nobody is checking.
Hand it back
- Notice one moment this week where somebody gets cut off.
- Say one sentence that hands it back to them.
- Then stop talking.
Why: The stopping is the skill. Making room and then filling it is the most common failure.
Step 5: What You Learned
- Ask what they want before you act.
- Go with them rather than speaking instead of them.
- Choose the channel that will work, not the loudest one.
For the grown-up
The ask-first principle needs one stated exception, and this lesson states it: where somebody is in danger, you act and tell an adult regardless of what they have asked.
Well-intentioned advocacy that removes somebody’s agency is common and worth naming. Being spoken for can be its own small humiliation.
Following through is where most of it falls down. Encouraging a second conversation a week later teaches more about advocacy than the first one did.