A friend owes you money
A friend borrowed a significant amount two months ago and has not mentioned it. You think about it every time you see them.
What do you do?
Step 1: What Would You Do?
There is often more than one good answer. Pick one and see what happens.
At work
Your rota has been changed three times at short notice and it clashes with your studying.
How do you raise it?
Step 2: What That Was
The name for what you just worked out.
Avoiding it is not free. The dread costs more than the conversation, and the situation usually gets worse while you wait.
One subject only
Bringing three grievances turns a solvable problem into an ambush. Pick the one that matters and leave the rest.
Write the first sentence
Most of the fear is about starting. Have the opening ready, word for word, and the rest follows more easily than you expect.
Decide what good looks like
Know what you want before you go in — an apology, a change, or just to have said it. Otherwise you cannot tell when it has gone well.
Step 3: Try It
These ones do have right answers.
Openings
Sort by whether the conversation can survive the first sentence.
Which openings leave somewhere to go?
Tap something to move it.
- Empty
- Empty
Step 4: Quick Check
Two questions, then you are done.
Question 1 of 1
You have three things to raise. What do you do?
Step 5: Your Life Mission
Something to do away from the screen. Nobody is checking.
Write the opening
- Pick the conversation you have been avoiding.
- Write the first sentence and the outcome you would accept.
- Have it this week.
Why: Almost all of the difficulty is in the first sentence. Settle that and the rest is ordinary.
Step 6: What You Learned
- The dread usually costs more than the conversation.
- One subject. Write the opening sentence.
- Know what a good outcome would be before you start.
For the grown-up
Rehearsing the opening out loud with somebody is genuinely effective and slightly embarrassing, which is why it gets skipped. Offering to be the other person for two minutes is a real help.
The one-subject rule is the hardest to hold, because avoidance means grievances accumulate. It is worth saying explicitly that the others can be raised another day.
Young people often need permission to have a conversation whose only goal is to have said something. Not every difficult conversation is a negotiation.