A friend disagrees
A friend holds a view on something that matters to you, and you think they are badly wrong.
What do you do?
Step 1: What Would You Do?
There is often more than one good answer. Pick one and see what happens.
Online, about something big
An argument about a serious issue is happening in a group chat. It is getting personal.
What is worth doing?
Step 2: What That Was
The name for what you just worked out.
Most big disagreements are not disagreements about everything. Find the one place you actually diverge and the argument gets much smaller.
Facts or values?
Some disagreements are about what is true, which evidence can settle. Some are about what matters more, which it cannot. Knowing which you are in saves a lot of time.
A position is not a person
People hold views for reasons that made sense from where they were standing. Deciding that anybody who disagrees is stupid or wicked ends your ability to learn anything.
The test
Can you state their position so well that they would say yes, that is what I think? If not, you are arguing with a version you made up.
Step 3: Quick Check
Two questions, then you are done.
Question 1 of 2
Two people disagree about whether a policy would work. What kind of disagreement is that?
Question 2 of 2
What is the test for whether you understand somebody’s position?
Step 4: Your Life Mission
Something to do away from the screen. Nobody is checking.
State it back
- Take a disagreement you are in.
- Write the other side’s view in a way they would accept.
- Show it to somebody who holds it and check.
Why: The check is the exercise. Most people discover they were arguing with a version nobody holds.
Step 5: What You Learned
- Find the one place you actually differ.
- Work out whether it is about facts or about what matters more.
- If you cannot state their view fairly, you do not understand it yet.
For the grown-up
This teaches how to disagree, not what to think. Modeling it at home on something you genuinely disagree about is worth more than any lesson.
The facts-versus-values distinction resolves a lot of stuck arguments, because people frequently argue about evidence when the real difference is about priorities.
Young people are increasingly in environments where disagreement is treated as hostility. Being able to hold a friendship across a real disagreement is a skill worth naming as such.