Day four
You and a close friend argued on Monday. Neither of you has spoken since. You both said things you did not mean.
What do you do?
Step 1: What Would You Do?
There is often more than one good answer. Pick one and see what happens.
It did not work
You apologised properly. They read it and said nothing.
What now?
Step 2: What That Was
The name for what you just worked out.
Both people are usually waiting for the other one. Going first is not admitting the whole thing was your fault; it is ending a stand-off nobody is enjoying.
Only your part
Apologise for what you did. Do not attach an account of what they did — that turns a repair back into the argument.
They get their own timing
A good repair does not always work immediately. Saying it and then leaving space is part of the offer.
Some friendships end
Not everything is repairable, and that is not a failure of technique. Some people are worse to be around than to be without.
Step 3: Quick Check
Two questions, then you are done.
Question 1 of 2
What usually stops two people making up?
Question 2 of 2
Which repair is most likely to work?
Step 4: Your Life Mission
Something to do away from the screen. Nobody is checking.
Go first once
- Think of somebody things are slightly cold with.
- Send one ordinary, friendly message.
- Expect nothing back.
Why: Most cold patches are two people waiting. One message ends more of them than you would guess.
Step 5: What You Learned
- Both of you are probably waiting. Go first.
- Apologise for your part and stop there.
- They get their own timing, and some friendships do end.
For the grown-up
Adolescent friendship ruptures are painful and often short, and adult advice to simply move on tends to land as dismissal. Helping with the mechanics of a repair is more useful than assessing whether the friendship deserves one.
The "only your part" rule is worth insisting on, because a repair with a counter-charge attached is not a repair and reliably restarts the argument.
Be careful not to push reconciliation with somebody who treats them badly. The last theory point is there deliberately: staying is not always the mature choice.