A group project
You did most of the work. One person did almost nothing and is happy to put their name on it.
What do you say?
Step 1: What Would You Do?
There is often more than one good answer. Pick one and see what happens.
At home
Your brother keeps coming into your room without knocking. You have mentioned it before, crossly.
What do you try?
Step 2: What That Was
The name for what you just worked out.
A sentence that works: "When you did X, I felt Y." It says what happened and how it landed, and there is nothing in it to deny.
Do not describe the person
"You are selfish" is about who they are, so the only reply is to argue about that. "You took it without asking" is about one thing that happened.
Two words to drop
"You always" and "you never" are almost never true, and they hand the other person an easy escape: one counter-example and your whole point is gone.
Say what you want instead
Finish with what you would like to happen. Otherwise they know you are upset and not what to do about it.
Step 3: Try It
These ones do have right answers.
What Does It Attack?
Sort each sentence.
Which of these talk about what happened, and which about the person?
Tap something to move it.
- Empty
- Empty
Step 4: Quick Check
Two questions, then you are done.
Question 1 of 1
Why is "you always do this" a weak thing to say?
Step 5: Your Life Mission
Something to do away from the screen. Nobody is checking.
Build one sentence
- Think of something that annoyed you this week.
- Write it as "when you… I felt… could you…".
- Say it at a calm moment.
Why: Writing it first is what stops the version that starts with "you always".
Step 6: What You Learned
- Say what happened and how it landed.
- Do not describe what they are.
- Drop "always" and "never" — they hand over an easy escape.
For the grown-up
The formula is deliberate. Telling a nine-year-old to be less accusatory gives them nothing to do; giving them a sentence shape gives them something they can assemble under pressure.
It works far better if the adults use it too, including toward the child. Hearing "when you leave the kitchen like that, I feel like I am the only one tidying" teaches the shape faster than instruction.
Expect it to sound stilted at first. That is fine — stilted and accurate beats fluent and inflammatory, and it smooths out with use.