When a Feeling Is Too Big

Step 1: What Would You Do?

There is often more than one good answer. Pick one and see what happens.

Before a show

You have to stand up and say your line in front of everybody. Your heart is going very fast.

What do you do?

In the middle of a huge cry

You are crying so much you cannot talk. A grown-up asks what is wrong.

What is all right to do?

Step 2: What That Was

The name for what you just worked out.

A very big feeling does not stay big. It goes up, and then it comes down. Always.

Slow breathing helps

Breathe in while you count to three. Breathe out while you count to five. The long out-breath is the part that works.

You can ask

You do not have to make a big feeling smaller on your own. Grown-ups are good at this.

Step 3: Try It

These ones do have right answers.

The Calming Order

Tap them in the order that helps.

A feeling gets very big. What order helps most?

1Say its name
2Breathe out slowly
3Choose what to do
4Notice it in your body

Step 4: Quick Check

Two questions, then you are done.

Question 1 of 1

Which breath helps most when you feel wobbly?

Step 5: Your Life Mission

Something to do away from the screen. Nobody is checking.

Practice when it is easy

Practice the slow soup breath three times today when you feel fine.
Do it again tomorrow.
Then it is ready for when you need it.

Why: A calming trick only works if your body already knows it. Practicing calm is the whole point.

For a grown-up: Do it with them. A breathing exercise done alone at five is a chore; done together it is a game.

Step 6: What You Learned

Big feelings always come back down.
Slow out-breaths help.
You can ask a grown-up for help with a big feeling.

For the grown-up

A child in the middle of a very big feeling cannot access reasoning, and asking them to explain themselves at that moment reliably makes it worse. Co-regulation first — your calm, near them — then words afterwards.

Teach and practice the breathing when everybody is calm. A technique first introduced during a meltdown is not a technique; it is another demand.

The soup image works better than counting for most children this age, because it is a thing to do rather than a number to remember.